.png)
The Surrogate and Intended Parent Relationship: Ensuring Good Communication and Trust
The surrogate and intended parent relationship is one built on trust and open communication.. Two parties who may have met only a few weeks earlier, and had only a few points of contact, will embark on one of the most emotional journeys together:: the embryo transfer, first positive pregnancy test, the anxious wait before an ultrasound, and that moment a heartbeat finally appears on the screen.
The relationship that develops over time will shape this intimate experience, and have an emotional impact on both the surrogate and intended parents. The good news is that communication is a skill you can prepare for, and there's a structured way to start.
Planning for a Successful Relationship Between Intended Parents and Surrogates
Much of the surrogacy journey follows a structured path of protocols. There's a schedule of appointments, a medication plan, and experienced clinic and agency teams who coordinate and support the journey milestones.
For intended parents and surrogates building a new relationship, there is no set of rules. Each party comes into the journey with their own hopes, goals, communication styles, and points of view on how they will navigate certain challenges and decisions that arise. In most cases, intended parents and surrogates have prepared separately for the journey ahead: the surrogate through her evaluation, the intended parents through their consultation.
One additional step to take to help ensure a successful relationship between intended parents and surrogates is to have a joint consultation. This would happen after a match is made, with both parties together, to openly discuss expectations of the surrogacy journey. The key to building a solid relationship is for the intended parents and surrogate understanding how each other will feel should a challenge arise in the journey through a discussion. A surrogate can be told that a complication might lead to a C-section. An intended mother can read about hospital rules for the delivery room. Neither knows how they will feel in the moment when it's happening, and that gap is exactly where an honest conversation helps most.
What a Joint Consultation Is, and Why It's Worth Doing
A joint consultation is a structured meeting that brings the surrogate, her partner (if she has one), and the intended parents together with a mental health professional who works in third-party reproduction. It usually happens after each side has completed an individual evaluation, and its purpose is to make sure everyone begins the journey on the same page.
A successful joint consultation between intended parents and surrogates will cover physical and emotional components of the surrogacy journey.
The goal is to have both parties align on the following:
How often you'll communicate and in what format: a weekly text, a call after each appointment, or something in between
How involved the intended parents want to be in appointments and at the birth
How each person feels about the hardest decisions, including prenatal testing, pregnancy loss, and termination
What happens in less-than-ideal delivery scenarios, such as a C-section when only one support person is allowed in the room
Lifestyle and privacy expectations during the pregnancy, from travel to what gets shared on social media
How each person handles conflict: talking it through right away, or taking a short break first
How each side pictures the relationship after the baby is born
While some of the questions and scenarios feel hard and foreboding, discussing them together ahead of the situation in a calm manner is easier than in the moment when a decision needs to be made.
Joint consultations are not a mandatory part of a surrogacy journey, they tend to happen when the intended parents’ IVF clinic requests them. Intended parents can also request to have one conducted.
Say What You Need Out Loud
Nobody can guess what someone else needs. An intended parent might say they want as much information as possible, which sounds clear until the surrogate wonders whether that means daily texts. A surrogate might go quiet during a hard week, and the intended parents might read the silence as distance.
Being open and honest and stating your needs and concerns upfront, along with the reason behind it, changes how it lands. Picture an intended mother who has lost pregnancies before and has never heard a heartbeat. She might ask for lighter contact until that first ultrasound, and promise she'll want to know everything about the pregnancy afterward. Without context, the request could sound cold. But understanding the reason behind it,,her surrogate can recognize her intended mother is just protecting herself, and respond to what she actually needs.
The same applies to surrogates. Needing space, having a rough day, or wanting a call after an appointment are all things the intended parents can only meet if they hear – and understand –them.
How the Surrogate and Intended Parent Relationship Changes Over Time
A surrogate and intended parent relationship is unique, and there are no rules for what a relationship “should” look like. Some surrogates and intended parents start out wanting privacy and very little contact, maybe a card on birthdays. Then they enjoy each other's company, and a few years later they're at the child's first birthday party. Others stay structured and professional all the way through, and that's equally valid.
Surrogates and intended parents will find the relationship depth that works best for them. Being open to the relationship changing over time leaves room for growth. And if the relationship remains at a certain level throughout, that’s okay, too.
Intended parents and surrogates are both experiencing a tremendous number of emotions during the journey, especially during the early milestones. Giving themselves the same flexibility to develop a relationship over time will help ease any pressure they are feeling.A single transfer doesn't always lead to a baby, and a textbook pregnancy isn't guaranteed. An intended parent may still be grieving that they can't carry their child, while a surrogate is managing changing hormones, her own children, a job, and the emotions of successfully helping a family.. Giving each other grace can keep small frustrations from turning into something bigger.
A joint session also doesn't have to be a one-time event. Some intended parents and surrogates return for check-ins, and some schedule them monthly, so both sides keep feeling heard as circumstances change.
When the Unexpected Happens
Even when intended parents and surrogates openly discuss possibilities in their journeys, those moments can hit hard in the moment: a failed transfer, a complication the surrogate never experienced in her own pregnancies, or a bond that grows closer than either side expected.
These moments land differently for each party. Many surrogates have had straightforward, even enjoyable pregnancies and have little experience with loss. Hearing an intended parent's history of miscarriages and failed cycles can be a lot to take in, and some surrogates start putting pressure on themselves, especially if the embryo is a family's last one. A surrogate can't control how her body responds, and she isn't responsible for outcomes that medicine can't predict.
There's also no right or wrong way for surrogates to feel about the pregnancy. A surrogate can love the baby she's carrying or feel more detached and sees the experience as a gift she's giving. Both feelings are valid, and both can change from one month to the next.
What helps to navigate the different feelings during the journey is having somewhere honest to say it. Surrogates sometimes hold back because they worry that admitting stress will make the intended parents fear for the pregnancy. Ongoing support from a mental health professional, individually or in a group, gives everyone a place to be candid without that worry. Giving Tree's surrogate support system is built around the same idea.
If You're an Intended Parent
As an intended parent your whole history into this relationship: losses, diagnoses, and years of waiting don't disappear when a baby is on the way, and nor do they need to. Knowing what you're carrying helps you share with your surrogate what your needs are instead of expecting her to guess.
Having a clear understanding of your own expectations before you ask someone else to meet them can lead to stronger communication: how much contact feels right, how involved you want to be, what you hope for after the birth. Then share this understanding clearly with your surrogate.
And don’t forget to try and let yourself enjoy everything you’re experiencing. After so much disappointment, many intended parents wait for each milestone to be safely behind them before allowing any excitement. And while that caution is understandable, you're allowed to prepare your home and your heart along the way.
If You're a Surrogate
Before you match, ask yourself why you want to be a surrogate. While it’s a decision that affects you physically, it’s an emotional journey that will affect your entire family. Discussing all that surrogacy entails with your partner – and your children if they are old enough – is important so everyone understands what will be expected of you, but also of them. If your answer holds up and the timing is right, you can begin the journey expecting to enjoy it.
And while you’re the one carrying the pregnancy, you don't have to be strong all the time. If you need help or space, share that.. Telling the intended parents early is far kinder than letting them guess, and a relationship built on mutual respect is one where you can speak up when you're ready.
It's also worth remembering what your role means. Because of you, someone becomes a mom, a dad, a grandparent; and that child will grow up to become someone's partner and someone's parent. That deserves some pride.
The Pattern Behind the Journeys That Go Well
When people who work in this field look back at the surrogacy journeys that went well, the common factor isn't a smooth pregnancy or a first-try transfer. It's communication. The pairs who did well told each other what they needed early, instead of letting small feelings grow into resentment.
Underneath that is a simple idea that's easy to lose on hard days: you're on the same team. The goal is a healthy baby coming home, and nobody gets there alone. If you're still at the matching stage, our HEART matching process and our guide to what happens after you match show how these conversations begin.
Wondering how this works in a real match? Our team can walk you through how communication, expectations, and support are handled from the first introduction on.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a joint consultation in surrogacy?
A joint consultation is a structured meeting between the surrogate (and her partner, if she has one), the intended parents, and a mental health professional experienced in third-party reproduction. It covers communication, expectations, difficult medical decisions, and how each person pictures the relationship, so everyone starts the journey aligned.
Is a joint consultation required for surrogacy?
It depends on your clinic and agency. ASRM's 2022 committee opinion says physicians should require a joint session, but not every practice does. If yours doesn't, you can still ask for one, and many families find it valuable.
How often should a surrogate and intended parents communicate?
There's no single right answer. Some pairs talk weekly, while others share updates after each appointment. What matters is agreeing on frequency and format at the start and revisiting it as needs change.
What if our relationship changes during the pregnancy?
That's common and often a good sign. Boundaries set at the beginning can loosen or tighten over time. Share what's changing, ask what the other person needs, and bring in your case coordinator or a mental health professional if the conversation feels hard.
How do surrogates and intended parents handle disagreements?
Agree early on how each person handles conflict, for example whether they prefer to talk right away or take a short break first. When a conversation stalls, a neutral third party, such as a case coordinator or a mental health professional, can help both sides feel heard.
A strong surrogate and intended parent relationship isn't a matter of luck or chemistry. It comes from conversations that happen early, honestly, and more than once. A joint consultation gives you a safe room for those conversations, and the habit of telling each other the truth carries you through everything the journey brings.
Comments