What Really Happens on a Surrogate Match Call (And Everything After It)

Meeting a potential surrogate for the first time carries a strange kind of pressure. You're not just getting to know a new person — you're trying to figure out, often in a single conversation, whether this is someone you'll trust with one of the most significant experiences of your life. It's no wonder so many intended parents describe the lead-up to a surrogate match call as one of the most nerve-wracking parts of the entire journey.

Setting Realistic Expectations for a Match Call

No matter how much you “prepare” for a match call, it’s still difficult to know what to expect. Matching isn't a single moment where you either find the right person or you don't. It's closer to a series of small decisions — reviewing a profile, having a conversation, noticing how it feels — that build toward a choice both sides feel confident making. Understanding that shift in framing before you ever get on a call changes the entire experience.

A Profile Doesn’t Automatically Mean a Match

Seeing a surrogate's profile for the first time can feel like finding an answer you've been searching for. It's an exciting moment, and it should be. But it helps to think of that first profile — and even the first match call — as the start of an exploration rather than a done deal.

The first profile that catches your attention doesn't always end up being the match that carries your journey forward, and that's a normal part of the process, not a sign that something went wrong. Treating each potential match as a chance to learn more about whether the fit is right takes the pressure off any single conversation and makes it easier to stay open to what you learn along the way.

A match built to last also depends on more than initial chemistry. Long stretches of waiting — for medical clearances, legal paperwork, clinic approvals — are a normal part of nearly every journey, and both sides need a shared understanding of why they started this in the first place to get through  the waiting periods. That understanding is built through honest, ongoing communication, not assumed on day one.

Non-Negotiables vs. the “Nice to Haves”

It’s normal to start thinking about all the things you’re looking for in a surrogate – and your journey – before your first match call. Before any conversation happens, intended parents should create a list of genuinely non-negotiable, and which ones are assumptions that haven’t proven to be a necessity. Combining the two is one of the most common reasons a search for the right match takes longer than it needs to.

What is Truly a Non-Negotiable in a Match

Some preferences deserve to be firm, because they involve decisions too important to compromise on mid-journey. Examples of these preferences include:

• Views on termination and selective reduction. Both sides need to agree on both of these topics before a difficult moment arrives, not during it. 

• Vaccination status

• Who holds decision-making authority during the pregnancy.

State-specific legal requirements around parentage and birth orders.

These aren't preferences to negotiate later; they're the foundation the rest of the relationship gets built on.

What Often Isn't as Non-Negotiable as It Feels

Nearly everything else deserves a second look before ruling someone out. Geographic proximity, marital status, a specific job, a particular lifestyle — these often feel essential because they're easy to picture, not because they're actually required for a successful journey. A surrogate applicant, whose job looks demanding on paper may have had a completely manageable pregnancy the last time she worked it. The detail that seems like a dealbreaker on a profile often looks different once  you’ve had the opportunity to get to know her, and have a real conversation about it.

What Actually Happens on a Match Call

By the time a match call is scheduled, the intended parents and surrogate have already reviewed each other's profiles and agreed there's enough interest to have a meeting. The call itself has one real job: to bring paper profiles to life through a conversation, and to see whether there's a foundation of trust and communication to build on.

The match call shouldn’t be treated like an interview even though it can start to feel like one if both sides fall into a pattern of asking a question, answering it, and moving to the next. An experienced Giving Tree team member will help facilitate the conversation so that it feels more natural, and make space for the kind of small details — a shared hobby, a pet wandering into frame, a spouse chiming in — that turn strangers into people who can picture building something together.

The role of the facilitator

The facilitator's role shifts depending on how the conversation is going. Sometimes it means staying almost entirely in the background, letting the intended parents and surrogate who've hit it off naturally lead the conversation themselves. Other times it means actively steering  the conversation — asking a question neither side thought to bring up, translating for families who speak different languages, or simply giving the conversation a nudge when it stalls. Neither version means the call is going poorly. The facilitator is just there to help all parties find a comfortable rhythm as they get to know each other more intimately.

How To Prepare for a Match Call

Preparing for a match call will not only help calm your nerves, it can contribute to a more successful outcome. Here are a few points to think about before your call:

• Your views on sensitive medical topics like termination, selective reduction, and invasive procedures

• Your expectations for communication and involvement during the pregnancy

• Any specific requests that fall outside standard medical guidance — such as breastmilk pumping – so you are prepared should the topic come up

  
  

These topics on the match call help to build trust and a solid relationship from the beginning. They are important conversations to have early, rather than letting them appear for the first time in a legal contract, which can stall the process.

How to Tell If a Match Call Went Well

If on your match call you feel you made a true connection and the conversation kept flowing, that is a sign that you had a great call, and the next steps may seem obvious (a match!). Other calls may feel harder to read, and that's normal too. A slightly awkward conversation between intended parents and a surrogate isn't a warning sign, it's just what a first conversation between strangers can sound like.

Signs your match call went well:

• The conversation flowed naturally

• You agreed on items discussed (including any sensitive or medical topics)

• You had a good feeling about the other party

• You could picture yourself building a relationship with them

• You are looking forward to getting to know them better

Signs you might not be a match:

• The conversation felt stilted, even with a facilitator’s help

• You did not agree on certain non-negotiable items (sensitive and medical topics)

• You can’t picture yourself building a relationship beyond that first call

• It just didn’t feel like a match in your gut (trust your gut!)

What matters more than how smoothly the conversation flowed is what happens afterward. A follow-up conversation, typically within about a day of the call, gives both sides a chance to ask anything that felt too uncomfortable to bring up live, or that only occurred to them once they'd had time to think it over. That follow-up isn't a formality — it's often where the most useful information actually surfaces, and asking for it is a completely normal part of the process, not a sign of hesitation.

What Happens After You Both Say Yes

First, congratulations on your match! This is an exciting part of your journey. However, once you do match, your fertility clinic will need to review your surrogate’s medical records to ensure she meets your fertility clinic’s requirements before you have your embryo transfer.

Medical record review. Your surrogate’s prenatal, delivery, and OB records – along with recent labs and a current wellness visit – are sent to the fertility clinic for pre-approval.

Nurses first gather and check every record for completeness — often hundreds of pages per candidate — before passing a complete file to the IVF doctor for final sign-off. If anything's missing, it has to be tracked down before the file even reaches the doctor, which is one of the most common reasons a review takes longer than expected.

How long the full process takes depends almost entirely on the clinic. Some complete a review in under a week. Others take upwards of two months, particularly if records are incomplete or a doctor requests something additional — a missing OB letter, an annual physical, updated bloodwork. Much of the time, none of this reflects poorly on the candidate: a single episode of elevated blood pressure or blood sugar during a previous pregnancy, with everything else healthy, is a normal thing for a clinic to want a closer look at, not a disqualifying red flag. Occasionally, though, a clinic simply doesn't approve a candidate for a specific case, even after both sides have said yes — when that happens, a new match must be made.

Intended parents may be asked to complete a psychological evaluation or move forward with embryo-related testing during this same window, while the surrogate may need to schedule additional appointments or track down specific records. Staying responsive during this stretch keeps the process moving as quickly as it can, on both sides.

Waiting Can Be Hard, But It’s Worth It

This stretch of waiting is often harder than people expect, precisely because so little of it is visible or in their control. You've found someone you're genuinely excited to move forward with, and now there's a gap of unknown length before anything happens next.

Acknowledging that discomfort, rather than pushing past it, tends to help more than trying to ignore it. It's worth asking directly for a realistic timeline based on the specific clinic involved, so the wait isn't measured against a number that was never accurate for your situation to begin with. Staying in regular contact, even through small updates, makes a genuinely uncertain period feel a little more manageable — and it's exactly the kind of support is built around.

Matching FAQ:

What does it mean to “match” with a surrogate?

Matching means both an intended parent and a surrogate have reviewed each other's profiles, had a match call, and agreed to move forward together. It's the starting point of the journey, not a guarantee — the relationship still needs to pass medical pre-approval and legal review before moving toward a transfer.

What questions should I ask during a surrogate match call?

Focus on communication expectations, involvement during the pregnancy, views on sensitive medical decisions like termination, and any specific requests that fall outside standard medical guidance. It's just as useful to ask questions that help you get to know the person, not only ones that confirm logistics.

What are true non-negotiables when matching with a surrogate?

Genuine non-negotiables are usually medical and legal: views on termination and selective reduction, vaccination status, decision-making authority during the pregnancy, and state-specific legal requirements. Preferences like location, marital status, or specific jobs are usually more flexible than they first appear.

How long does it take to get medical pre-approval after matching?

It varies widely by clinic — some complete a review in under a week, while others take up to two months, especially if additional records or clearances are requested. Ask your agency for a clinic-specific estimate rather than assuming a standard timeline.

What happens if a surrogate's medical records aren't approved right away?

Most often, the clinic simply requests additional documentation, like updated bloodwork or an OB clearance letter, before granting full approval — a normal part of the process, not a sign the match isn't a good fit. Less commonly, a clinic may decline to approve a candidate for a specific case entirely, in which case the search restarts with a new match.